The White Knight Syndrome: Here, let me help you with that……
I recently looked up The White Knight Syndrome after reading the OSV email that just went out. I found a website called Archie’s Life-based in the UK.
“This syndrome refers to males who are drawn to helping females in need of assistance, regardless of the costs or the reward. Men with this syndrome are called the white knight. Such behaviors stem from a mindset that perceives the other sex as weak, dependent, absolved of all responsibility for their outcomes, and thinks that she will dedicate herself to loving him because of his help.” https://www.archiefoundationhome.org.uk/lifestyle/white-knight-syndrome/
I have experienced being the “other sex” in a marriage that ended because I didn’t depend on my husband, the male in this instance. He was a very well respected and exceptional doctor who effectively ruled his kingdom in the hospital. Unfortunately, he married me for the wrong reason. Yes, I was a single mother with two teenage daughters struggling with the stuff that life offers. But he knew he was helping a family of females in need of assistance and in return he would receive the respect and regard he deserved. He wanted out of the marriage because I was too competent and didn’t ask him for help…enough.
I was raised by a family who expected a boy and instead, got a girl.
I grew up knowing how to do things, fix things, change the oil and think ahead.
I was tough enough to shoot, kill, gut, clean, process and cook a former living thing. I drove a 3-gear shift flatbed truck loaded with hay and daily I cleaned out the horse stalls. I cleaned the levered tractor motor and oiled parts, polished the seats, and started it up for my grandfather. We drove it through the groves fixing irrigation problems and my job was to shoot Jackrabbits. I learned these and other skills because I was the only one to teach.
All the confidence I had through middle school was destroyed when three boys cornered me at a party and repeatedly raped me. I was thrown off my game. I wasn’t whatever I needed to be, not that first time. I wanted to shoot, kill, gut, and process those boys, just like a pig or a chicken. I was bloodthirsty.
My father said, not knowing about the rape, “You don’t have to take care of yourself. Find yourself a good man.” At the time I feared he might be right…that I was not who I needed to be so some ‘good’ boy could protect me. I watched movies where the girls looked to boys for the solution or the right advice. I saw movies where the girl was almost silly with deference to the boy. It made me sick to think that was the way it should be.
In a recent OSV email Marie wrote “Mao Zedong is quoted as saying, ‘Women hold up the other half of the sky’ meaning if a society looks only to men to lead the way, it’s missing half of its potential.” Mao’s right. But I look back at my marriages and divorces and see I was praying for someone to hold up their part of the sky!
I know how to ride the knight’s horse, but I do not know how to hold up the whole sky by myself.
Like Dad’s advice to look for a good man, it’s important to recognize that we are good humans, all genders who can stand on both ends of the sky to accomplish something strong and worthwhile.
At OSV we have all genders who share their stories of assault and betrayal. We are all strong and we hold up the sky together. Join us in our journey to share our stories and welcome those who are looking for something more than a White Knight.
Contact us at mpjp@oursilentvoice.com and please scroll through our blogs and comment. We see you all and love you all - those Fierce Brave and Loud voices