Incest & Abortion
The Girl Behind the Fence
This subject, Incest, came up for us when we were looking at subjects for our Blog. The story of my secret friendship with a little girl in our neighborhood is in my memoir Survival Isn’t Mandatory. It was a shock that never left me. I think about her often and suggested we start looking into the subject.
The Girl Behind the Fence is the story about a girl, my friend, who was raped by her father. At 11 she was pregnant in a time when abortion was illegal. My mother was so horrified and shocked by what she knew, she didn’t tell me the story until I was an adult. I asked her about this girl who had taken a seemingly permanent place in my childhood memories. Tears formed in her eyes as she said, “Her father was the father of her baby.” I’d suspected the truth for all those years, but it was still stunning to hear it said out loud.
Then imagine states banning abortion, again. I’ve never had one, but I remember my future father-in-law offering me money to go to Mexico and get rid of the problem I was causing his son. I didn’t, I’m glad, and never regretted a moment of that decision. I’m shocked at the idea the government can require women to give birth. I’m shocked because the same states will probably not provide support for the women or the baby as it grows into adulthood. The “you’re on your own,” “you’re responsible,” “you caused this,” position creates a chasm where insurmountable problems can fester.
In the news, I heard about a 10-year-old girl, raped by a perpetrator in her family who got pregnant and the state’s position was that she could not abort the baby. We can argue that a 10-year-old is going to have some problems raising a child, a result of a family rape, in that family. Who can say? Well, the Republican nominee for Governor in Michigan said in an interview: https://www.businessinsider.com/michigan-gop-governor-candidate-said-having-baby-healing-rape-victims-2022-8 “The bond that those two people made and the fact that out of that tragedy there was a healing through that baby, it’s something we don’t think about.”
But we can think about that. What bond between the rapist and the girl/woman exists that will be strengthened and healed “through that baby?” What if the rapist was her father, like my friend behind the fence? What if it was an uncle, like the 10-year old in the abortion news story? What’s the bond they would or will form?
This is not a comfortable issue, but we have to talk about the reality of incest.
According to Incest Aware, https://www.incestaware.org/what-it-is-how-it-affects-people , there are unique aspects to this kind of abuse.
I think about it and my mind wants to distract, fast. I can’t imagine the scenario and because most of us can’t, and the subject is complex, we don’t talk about it. At OSV, we will not be distracted or silent.
To help you think about it here’s the Incest Aware list.
Then the question is what can do we do about it?
Dependence on the abuser. If the offender is a parent or primary caregiver, the survivor may be completely dependent on the abuser for their care, making it even harder to report the abuse or separate from the relationship.
A family dynamic of shame, blame, secrecy, and fear. Incestuous families have their own unique dynamic that may minimize the problem as “not a big deal”, blame the survivor for the abuse, deny the incest is occurring, and threaten the survivor with physical harm, family isolation, or withdrawal of financial support, among other impacts.
Sometimes it’s intergenerational. Although not always, sexual abuse can be intergenerational, with cycles of abuse occurring within multiple generations of families. Behaviors and beliefs common in incestuous families can become ingrained in family members as they age, leaving the next generation vulnerable to similar abuse and behavior patterns.
No one wants to talk about it. Incest is called a taboo for a good reason: it is one of the most hidden forms of sexual assault and one that was not addressed during the #MeToo movement. Our society’s anxiety about family abuse and the belief that “what happens behind closed doors is a private matter” creates a cloud of secrecy that feels impossible to break.
Ostracism from family. Other family members may ostracize the survivor for talking openly about the abuse, labeling them “crazy”, a “liar”, or “out to shame the family.” Immediate family members such as siblings and parents - who may be targets of abuse themselves - will often defend the abuser at all costs, leaving the survivor to feel alone and rejected. There is also the possibility of disruption at home, for example, the survivor being removed from the family and placed with other caregivers or in foster care, or the removal of the offender from the home.
Difficulties with relationships, fear of abandonment. Persistent feelings of being alone, unwanted, or unloved, and an increased risk of being sexually victimized in the future, many of these effects can last well into adulthood, particularly when the survivor has ongoing contact with family.
We say, educate yourself. If you know about it, and you’ve thought about it, be a friend, a compassionate listener, an aware human being. The most effective action we can all take is to support and donate to organizations that support the well being of incest survivors.
The Incest Aware website lists accessible groups, chat rooms, and organizations that cross the boundaries of orientation, identification, race, and gender. Support them and if you are one of the people who’ve experienced incestual trauma and want to write your story, email mpjp@oursilentvoice.com and title your email Submission Question.
End the Silence of Incest
